When people set out to choose an engagement ring, most begin by looking up what it should cost and how large the stone ought to be. There is something worth settling before either of those. What the person receiving it actually wants from an engagement ring.
Answers to that differ far more than they used to. This article starts there, and works through the rest in order.
THE ORDER
This is the conclusion of the article. Decided in this order, an engagement ring rarely sends you back to the beginning.
- Views on the engagement ring have grown apart
- It begins with quietly asking your partner
- How to arrange the proposal and the choosing
- Four things to decide. Brand, stone, design, metal
- Setting the budget
- Lead times, and when to start
- When you cannot decide
- Ring size, and how to give it
- Frequently asked questions
Views on the engagement ring have grown apart
Listening to our customers day after day, we have felt views on the engagement ring separate sharply in recent years. These are some of the voices we hear.
"I do not want the same design as my friends, so I would rather go and choose it together before the proposal"
Rings do end up side by side with those of friends marrying in the same season. Precisely because it stays on the hand for a lifetime, some want to see for themselves that they truly like the shape.
"I want to wear it every day, so something quieter would suit me better"
A ring for daily life rather than for occasions. Once that is the aim, the height that will not catch and the ease of stacking matter more than the size of the stone.
"I would rather have no engagement ring and spend it on the wedding bands"
A decision to put the money where it will be worn every day, rather than split it across two rings. Choosing not to give an engagement ring says nothing about the depth of feeling.
"The bigger the diamond, the happier I would be"
This is very much a real voice too. A wish to feel, through size, the particular occasion that only an engagement ring marks.
"I want to choose the ring together. But I still want to be proposed to"
Some think of choosing the ring and being proposed to as two separate events on two separate days. Longing for the moment itself and wanting to choose the ring yourself do not contradict each other.
Honestly, from the side of the person giving, this is a difficult era. There is no longer a shared answer to what an engagement ring is supposed to be.
It begins with quietly asking your partner
The first thing to place at the front is neither the budget nor the stone. It is knowing what your partner wants from an engagement ring. Once that is clear, almost every decision after it follows on its own.
How to raise it
Asking outright what sort of engagement ring they would like tends to give the proposal away. If you would rather avoid that, it sits more naturally inside an ordinary conversation.
Three things to listen for
Clues that were never spoken
The colour of the metal they already wear, the width of their rings, whether they lean towards silver or gold. Whether their work or their hobbies use their hands. Whether their bags and shoes tend towards decoration or towards paring away. There is always something only you can know, because you are the one nearby.
How to arrange the proposal and the choosing
With what you have heard, arrange the shape of the proposal and the way the ring is chosen together. These are the combinations we see most often.
01Choose the ring together, propose on another day
The proposal happens first on its own, and the ring is chosen together afterwards. Some bring flowers, a letter, a ring sizer or a catalogue to the proposal in place of the ring itself. The surprise remains, and the thing that will be worn every day is chosen with conviction. This is the arrangement growing fastest at the moment.
02Give it as a surprise
For a partner who would rather leave it to you, or when the wish to surprise them is strong. There are several ways to proceed without knowing the size, and it can be adjusted afterwards. Leaning the design towards the pieces they already wear is the least likely to miss.
03Give it, then finish it together
Decide only the stone and the broad shape, give it, and settle the colour of the metal, the size and the details together later. This suits wanting both the surprise and the conviction. It is possible only where the ring is made to order, so do ask us.
04Give no engagement ring and put it towards the wedding bands
If that is the answer you receive, it deserves respect as much as any other. It does not mean handing over nothing on the day of the proposal. There are any number of ways to leave a feeling in a form other than a ring.
Four things to decide. Brand, stone, design, metal
Once you have decided to give a ring, the work turns to narrowing down the candidates. There are four things to settle.
00The brand. Who you buy from
It may seem an odd place to start. But the same half carat, platinum, single stone ring differs in shape, in finish and in price depending on who makes it.
What we would ask you to compare is not the specification. It is how seriously that brand takes the making of things, and whether you can imagine walking through the years ahead alongside the ring they made.
An engagement ring is not something that ends at the purchase. There will be a day it is resized, a day it is polished years from now, a day it is shown to a child. Will you be glad you left it in these hands. The way they listen when you walk in, and the way they answer a question, will tell you. Trust your own sense above all.
01The stone. Natural or lab grown, and how large
When you give a diamond ring, the first fork in the road is whether the stone is natural or lab grown.
A lab grown diamond has the same chemical composition, the same hardness and the same refractive index as a natural one. What differs is where it was born, in the ground or in a laboratory. In Europe and North America, choosing a lab grown diamond for an engagement ring has been growing quickly.
From where we stand, working with these stones, there are several reasons they are chosen.
There are equally clear reasons to choose a natural diamond. Hundreds of millions of years held inside a single stone, and being moved by that rarity itself. It is a value that price and reason cannot replace. Neither is above the other. It is a difference in what you hold dear. We have set the two side by side, without hiding anything, in Lab Grown and Natural Diamonds.
As for size, the wish for something larger and the wish for something quieter to wear every day both genuinely exist. Following what you heard in the earlier chapter is the surest guide. With nothing to go on, matching the boldness of the jewellery they already wear rarely goes far wrong.
Carat is a unit of weight, so the number does not translate directly into apparent size. To picture how it will look on the hand, diameter is the quicker measure.
| Carat | Diameter | On the hand |
|---|---|---|
| 0.30ct | About 4.3mm | Quiet on the finger. It sits easily alongside stacked rings. |
| 0.50ct | About 5.2mm | The presence of a single stone becomes clearly readable. |
| 0.70ct | About 5.7mm | The outline comes through a step more strongly than at half a carat. |
| 1.00ct | About 6.5mm | Recognisable as a diamond from across a room. |
These diameters are the usual guide for a round brilliant cut. At the same carat weight they shift a little with the shape of the cut.
Diamond quality is described by the 4C, carat, colour, clarity and cut. In short, cut governs the brilliance more than anything else, and above a certain point clarity makes almost no visible difference. We go through it in How to Read the 4C of a Diamond.
OUR STANDARD
How the laboratories differ from one another is set out in Lab Grown Diamond Certificates.
02The design. Which direction to take
A solitaire, a single stone held on its own, is the most basic form an engagement ring takes. The stone itself carries the piece, so it stays clear of fashion and does not date across decades.
Setting small diamonds along either side of the centre stone increases the amount of light and brings a sense of occasion. It is also a way to gain overall volume within the same budget. In exchange, the outline of the centre stone softens.
If you have heard that they want to wear it every day, the thing to check is how high the stone sits. Height lets more light in, and it also catches on clothes and hair. If wedding bands are to be worn alongside, look at whether a gap opens up when the two are stacked.
The wish not to have the same ring as a friend is answered here as well. Stones, shanks and settings can be recombined as a semi order, and a full order can begin from nothing at all.
03The metal. Platinum or gold
Platinum is a calm white that carries the colourlessness of a diamond straight through. It has long been the choice for bridal jewellery in Japan. Eighteen carat yellow gold is warm, and the contrast against the white of the stone gives a lighter impression.
Choose by preference, though there is one useful clue. The colour of the jewellery your partner already wears. Matching the colour alone changes how naturally it settles on the hand. The character of each metal is described in our guide to materials.
Setting the budget
On the phrase three months salary
The phrase is said to have spread from advertising in the 1970s. It was never a measure of what a ring ought to cost, but an expression born of how rings were sold at the time. Few people prepare that sum today.
A budget is not a measure of how much you feel. A budget stretched too far stays on as weight in the life that follows the giving. The number decided within what protects the life the two of you are about to build is the right one.
BUDGET
Decide one upper limit first. This is what I can go to, and no further.
With that in place, thinking about what to prioritise inside the figure narrows the choices cleanly. If you were able to hear what your partner wants, the order of priority is already decided.
Start looking without an upper limit and the basis for judging moves as you go. We would suggest settling it first. Guide figures by budget are gathered in our price guide. We also offer payment in instalments with no fee, so keeping the amount paid at once lower is something to consider at this stage as well.
Lead times, and when to start
The thing most easily overlooked is time. An engagement ring is not taken off a shelf and handed over. In most cases it is made after the order is placed.
| How it is made | Guide to the time needed |
|---|---|
| ANNA DIAMOND custom order | About four to eight weeks |
| ANNA DIAMOND full order | About three to six months |
START
For a custom order, start about three months before the day. For a full order, start about six. The choosing itself then becomes something you can enjoy.
That allows for checking the size and for the room to change the design partway through. If the date is already close, do tell us and we will look for what can be done.
When you cannot decide
What follows is perhaps not the sort of thing a jewellery brand should say.
However much you look into it, there are times when the decision will not come. When that happens, we would ask you to return the question to a single axis.
Which shape would suit your partner.
Which ring would make them glad.
Across many conversations, what we have come to feel is that what finally moves the person receiving the ring is not the size of the stone or the price. It is the attitude behind it. That someone thought of them, and gave their time and their money to go and choose it.
And the one who can judge whether it suits them is not us. It is you, who see them close at hand every day. What they wear, when they look happy, how they use their hands. You hold information that no catalogue carries.
Stay with that, and let the feeling that only you could put into words come through.
If it truly has to be your own
Sometimes, as you give shape to what you heard, you arrive at the conclusion that no existing design will do. For those moments we recommend a full order at ANNA DIAMOND without hesitation. Our designer Mori takes it on directly and works from the background of your lives and your story to draw a design that exists only once. It is made by outstanding Japanese craftsmen. We can also arrange a cut made to order for the diamond itself.
A few of the full order pieces we have made. See how a full order works
For bridal we also offer the semi order HIKARI Collection. The solitaire rings begin at 440,000 yen for a single stone of one carat.
Hibi Solitaire RingOne carat, from 440,000 yen
Ryosen Solitaire RingOne carat, from 495,000 yen
Shokkaku Solitaire RingOne carat, from 737,000 yenRing size, and how to give it
A ring size shifts by about one Japanese size between morning and evening, and across the seasons, even on the same person. If you are measuring, the hours when the hand is at its calmest are the ones to use. We explain the method in how to measure a ring size.
Ways to proceed without knowing the size
Quietly borrow a ring they already wear and measure the inside diameter. Have us send a free ring sizer to check at home. Or make it with a little room and adjust afterwards. You are also welcome to have it measured at our gallery in Daikanyama, Tokyo.
AFTER PURCHASE
We resize free of charge for the first time, within one year of purchase. A size can always be met later.
Some designs fall outside this, so do check before you order.
Frequently asked questions
I cannot tell whether my partner wants an engagement ring.
Ask it the right way and you can find out without giving the proposal away. Ride on the subject of a friend getting married, or look into a shop window together as you pass. Asking in general terms whether it is something people need at all also sounds natural.
They said they want to choose it together. What do I do about the proposal.
The proposal and the choosing can be separated. Making a day to say it first and going to choose the ring together afterwards is an arrangement that is growing. Some bring flowers, a letter or a ring sizer to the proposal instead.
Do we need both an engagement ring and wedding bands.
There is no rule that both must be prepared. Having only one, or making the engagement ring wearable every day so that it serves as both, are equally workable. So is putting the budget towards the wedding bands.
How many months ahead should I start.
Three months ahead is the guide for a custom order, and six months for a full order. An ANNA DIAMOND custom order takes about four to eight weeks, and a full order about three to six months. If the date is already close, do tell us and we will look for what can be done.
Is it all right to proceed without knowing the size.
Yes. We send a ring sizer free of charge, and you can also have it measured at our gallery in Daikanyama. The first resize within one year of purchase is free, so a size can be met later.
Is a bigger diamond better.
It depends on what that person is looking for. Some feel the occasion through size, and others want something quieter because they intend to wear it every day. Both are real, so matching what you heard beats any general rule.
After your purchase
ANNA DIAMOND jewellery is finished by hand, one piece at a time, by Japanese craftsmen. Against the unlikely event of a fault we offer returns within seven days and a two year quality guarantee. The first resize within one year of purchase is free of charge. We clean your jewellery free of charge for life at our gallery in Daikanyama, and payment in instalments carries no fee.
Come and see them
Neither the size of a stone nor the way it returns light travels through a photograph. At the ANNA DIAMOND Gallery in Daikanyama, Tokyo, you can rest a ring on your own hand and see for yourself. No appointment is needed.
You are welcome to come alone and think through what would suit your partner with us, and you are equally welcome to come as two.
CONSULTATION
Talk to us on LINE
The budget, the size, the steps between now and the day you give it. Whatever it is, one of us will answer you directly. You can also arrange a visit to the gallery here.